Well, we’ve gone over some possible reasons for why we seek love (good times, eh?). Today’s musings will be about sharing our love. That’s right, folks; the declaration of “those three words.” In the tradition of Part 2, this post is meant to raise questions for discussion more than it’s meant to answer them.
Why do we say “I love you” to someone? What makes us share that? And, just as importantly, why don‘t we say it? Join us as we listen in on a discussion between our very close friends Spero and Timor about these very issues.
(Note: please remember that the discussion is about romantic love. I’m very interested in all types of love, but it’s not what we’re dealing with in this series. Also, this post was brought to you by watermelon and the letter Y, and by contributions from viewers like you.)
The Declaration
T: I just… want to say it to her, but I can’t. It’s not even like I feel that something’s stopping me; I’m stopping myself.
S: So what’s the problem? Why is it so hard?
T: I have no idea. It’s just… terrifying.
S: OK. Let’s look at this another way: tell me why you would want to tell a girl you loved her.
T: What do you mean?
S: Well, from what I can tell, there are any number of reasons to tell someone that you’re in love with them: you might be afraid that she’ll leave you if you don’t say it to her. Or you might want something else from her, and telling her you love her is the ‘open sesame’ that you need.
T: Oh no; nothing like that. That turns the declaration into some kind of bargaining chip, into a means to an end.
S: Well, isn’t everything a means to an end?
T: I… guess. But you have to admit: there’s a difference between manipulation and interaction.
S: Yeah: one’s conscious and the other isn’t. So you’re telling me that, as far as you know, you have no reason for telling a girl that you love her other than ‘I don’t know?’
T: Well, barring manipulation…. yes. I mean, when I tell a girl that I’m in love with her, it’s because I can’t hold it back anymore; I have to tell her. It’s because I’m grinning all of the time, and I’ve told her everything I can think of that doesn’t matter, and it’s time to tell her the one thing that really does.
S: Awwww.
T: Shut up.
S: But what about love makes it so special that you need to share it? I mean, it’s not a simple matter of feeling something and sharing it. I mean, you don’t have to tell someone when you’re depressed or when they’re bugging you.
T: Yeah. I guess there is something different about love.
S: And did you catch the problem, even when you were waxing poetic?
T: No.
S: You said that you make the declaration when you ‘can’t hold it back anymore.’ The fear’s still there. Is showing your true feelings, even for one moment, really that frightening? Is it because you’re afraid that she won’t say it back to you?
T: That’s the thing: it’s not that at all. For instance, with this girl, I’m positive she wants me to say it to her! I know she feels the same way, and is just waiting for me so she’s not the first one. So it’s not like fear of rejection is deterring me. It’s something else.
S: Apparently. Maybe you feel that it’s too soon.
T: Maybe. I mean, how do I know that I haven’t misread my own feelings?
S: Yeah. That kind of scares me too. I guess that just comes down to knowing what you mean by ‘love’ and trusting yourself. This world is full of well-meaning naysayers who will teach you to second-guess the few certainties in your life.
T: That sounds partly right. I don’t want to say something that I don’t mean, and how can I know if I mean something when I can’t even understand the words I’m using?
S: Well figure it out, man.
T: You know what it is? I’m afraid that she won’t understand why I’m saying it.
S: True. In finding your own definition of ‘love,’ you create a vocabulary that’s unique to you. And she’s done the same thing. So, even when you’re using the same word, your meaning is skewed. Is that what you mean?
T: Kind of. When I tell someone I love them, it’s because it’s just something I need to say. I’m not trying to initiate something, and I’m not trying to end something. I’m not trying to be owed anything. I just… need to say it.
S: Right.
T: But she won’t understand that. None of them would! Saying “I love you” has been so hyped up, for so many reasons! What should just be simple, honest communication has turned into…
S: A commitment. So, in other words, you’re afraid of the implications behind a declaration.
T: Exactly. I mean, it just baffles me that, once someone says “I love you,” it means that changes need to be enacted immediately. It seems almost contradictory that, once a desirable thing is produced, you want to change the conditions of the environment that produced it.
S: Well, that makes sense, but it’s also a little one-sided. After all, stagnation doesn’t lend itself well to development and growth.
T: Right. I get that. But, for heaven’s sake, give it some time! Experience and appreciate that love for what it is before changing it!
S: I agree with that. Part of the problem is the whole “next step” mentality; people spend so much time looking forward, trying to make life what it’s “supposed to be” that they miss enjoying what life actually is.
T: Right. And it goes even deeper than that. Not only is the expression of love a personal thing for me, it’s also particular to her. Even more: it’s particular to the love itself.
S: Ah, the poet strikes again. ‘Every love is a child; the unique offspring of two unique souls,’ is that it?
T: Ha, I guess. But the point is, because every one of these children is different, it can’t be plotted as easily as we’d hope. We have to let it manifest itself; if we try to prescribe a path for it, the love will develop neuroses.
S: ‘The child must be allowed to grow as he is. He is uncharted waters, and should be explored carefully ‘lest he drowns his sires in his depths.’
T: OK, you’re enjoying this way too much.
S: So, are you going to tell her that you love her, then?
T: Sure… when I can’t hold it back any more.
Peanut Gallery: What is it about love that makes us have to declare it? Conversely, why is it such a hard thing to declare? Or is that a fear only of the young commitment-phobe? Who’s more obnoxious: Spero or Timor?